How to make a million dollars with one simple

bank robbery.

All my life I’ve been taught the same lessons on repeat: Show up. Try hard. Don’t rob banks. But what I’ve never understood is why not on that last one though? Some of the richest people in history were, in fact, bank robbers (don’t fact check me on that.)

So if they can do it, why can’t you?

These days everyone’s all about that hustle. Make content. Sell out. Get those sweet sweet brand deals. Build something for yourself. A life free from the 9 to 5 is the dream, right? That’s what you want, right?

But selling out and making content and finding brands that want to deal with you is hard when you don’t try to do those things consistently. I’m more about the mentality of One Big Score. Why steadily work to accrue followers and an audience that cares when you could spend all of your time plotting and executing a heist? Think about it, in one night you could turn it all around for yourself! All you need is a bank, some goons for the assist, and a willingness to maybe die or go to jail, or worse, get expelled.

So how do you do it? In 5 simple steps.

1. Find a bank.

This could be any old bank! The more old-timey looking the better.

2. Buy an all black cowboy outfit.

This sounds ridiculous but it’s not, it’s alllll part of the plan. God’s plan.

3. Get a horse.

Where are you gonna find a horse at this hour? Who knows! It’s not like this is my bank heist, it’s yours — now’s the time to be creative.

4. Drive your horse to the bank.

This part is especially tricky if you’ve never driven a horse before. Riding one is pretty easy, but figuring out the gas/brake situation is a night-mare, let me tell you.

5. Steal ALL the money at the bank you’re robbing.

This part trips a lot of cowboy-robber types up. They’ll steal most of the money, but not all of it! That’s how the Sheriff finds you out. He surveys the crime scene, notices a few bills that were left behind, sniffs at them and makes some tough guy remark like

“Red Bills, the only dastardly dude on this dude ranch that smokes Red Bills is Ol’ Granny Four Skins, named so on account of the four animal hides she wears for warmth in these hot Martian winters.”

And then the Sheriff goes and gits that grandma and arrests her for thievin, and she has to give all the money back. But that’s not going to happen to you if you just follow these rules EXACTLY as written.

So there you have it, that’s the easiest way I know of to become a millionaire overnight, specifically if you’re a cowboy-type from Mars with a wobbly moral compass and too much time on your hands for heist planning.

Or, you know, you could just consistently create the things you want to create, throw them into the void, promote them a little, and hope someone sees it sometime and says “I like that, I will pay them for more now.”

Starting to lose the thread on which one’s actually easier now the more I think about it.

Better rob two banks just to be safe.